"Somewhere within us all there is a secret garden, in which we can seek refuge when times are rough, or retire to in joy or contemplation"
I listened to this track for like hours.
link
Saturday, June 25, 2005
song from a secret garden
"Somewhere within us all there is a secret garden, in which we can seek refuge when times are rough, or retire to in joy or contemplation"
I listened to this track for like hours.
link
Friday, June 24, 2005
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
我终于了解
讨厌一个人不代表恨他
之前的工作，我蛮喜欢那里的同事，工作上的任务也能应付的来。就是受不了我的上司，常给我些无聊的工作，叫我跟他开无聊的会议。无形中产生对工作的压力与恐惧，开始厌倦上班。可是已习惯了工作环境与脸孔，不勇于尝试新环境，所以有点儿逃避没想要换工。直到一天我突然觉悟了，知道逃避根本是在浪费自己的时间。这时心里觉得轻松许多。离开那有半年了，如果遇到旧上司喝个咖啡我可以接受。我发觉我并不恨他，可能我不会记仇，事情已过去就算了吧。我不恨他，没想过要他承受什么报应，只是讨厌跟他一起工作。我对一些所谓的仇人有同样的想法。
做出反应远比思考来得容易
工作上没仔细筹划好，常害了自己。逛街买错了没用的东西回家也后悔。烦恼时，朋友关心着，我却闷闷不乐板着脸不说话，一点都不体会对方的感受，朋友就渐渐地疏远了我。
你无法强迫别人爱你。
你所能做的，是使自己成为可被爱的人。
此外，则不是你所能决定的。
对方没意思，死缠烂打，自己会更伤心而让对方反感。喜欢她，可能会想控制她或过度保护她，认为是为她好，不管她的感受就要她改变行为成为心目中理想的人。想过她的感受吗？当她离开我，我很难过，但我能理智处理让她得到自由，为此感到欣慰。现在的另一个她，我也只能以尊重与关怀的方式爱着她。
不论我如何付出关怀，
有些人就是无动于衷。
从小缺少家庭温暖，却造就了想照顾与关怀周围人的性格，可以让我感觉到自己的存在。这样常被人利用。也有人不领情，可能认为我有什么企图，我感到蛮难受的。在我失落时，想找人陪伴。不是要求友人指点我帮我解决问题，告诉我因该这样做那样做。而是想有人体会我所承受的压力，关怀与支持着我。对方可能没空或有点冷淡。我又不善于表达心中的感受，烦恼闷在心里。我会有这种想法，这个世界很大但只有我一个人。其实人人都有烦恼，我也知道朋友虽忙但也关心着我。地球不是以我为中心，我承认自己小气。
需要经历很长的时日，
才能使我成为我所欲成为的人。
现的性格是多年来环境所造出的。要改变谈何容易？戴着面具的感觉也不好。朋友常有开导我，我就式着看吧。
你可以继续走下去
远超过你所以为的极限。
有时候会觉得很消沉感觉生活很无奈。要想到这世上还是有人关心着你，你没被遗忘，要努力的好好生活。我是这样希望吧。如果有勇气作决定，问题是可以解决的。
我与最好的朋友
可以做任何事，
或不做任何事，
而一样享受了最棒的时光。
很多人都说我是个单调的人。跟我在一起应该是很闷吧！对不起啦。跟好友在一起，跑步搬东西或坐着发呆都感觉很好。如果不投缘，去游山玩水兴趣也会受影响。
你的家人不会永远帮着你。
也许看来可笑，但那些与你无关的人
却会关怀你，爱你，教你重新信任人。
家庭不是一种肉身的关系。
感觉朋友们比家人更了解我，有时会从他们感觉到在家感觉不到的关怀。人有时是这样，开始时很关怀与欣赏你，关系熟了就不珍惜了。我不是一个特别容易相处的人。能透彻地认识我，也不是能轻易做到的，谢谢你们的体谅与关怀。
被人原谅不一定足够，
有时你也得学习原谅自己。
别人原谅你，你过不了自己这关，就避开他们。不知道该这么来形容这种感觉呢？
不论你的心破碎到什麽程度，
世界也不会因你的悲伤而停止运转。
C'est La Vie!
两个人可以看着同一件事，
却见到完全不同的东西。
A: 这是我亲手做的，有我的诚意与爱心，真的很希望你会喜欢。
B: 不看多一眼，就扔在一边。
Sunday, June 19, 2005
the fur trade
In John Lennon's Imagine, the song goes
imagine there's no countries or religon,
nothing to kill or die for
all the people living in peace
I think much of the fighting and killings happening around the world will stop if the concept of countries and especially religion is abolished. But never completely. There will always be reasons for senseless killings because of the selfish and violent nature of mankind.
Just look at this video showing the harvesting of fur from what looked like raccoons. I stopped watching when the farmer chopped off the legs. The poor animal was still alive during the ordeal. This probably took place in China, known for such delicacies as live monkey brains.
link to video - extreme graphic warning!!
I am reminded of my visit to an abattoir during my primary school days. It was one of those family outings organized by the CC. We were standing on the upper floor looking down at an efficient assembly line of death. Pigs, probably crazed by the scent of blood, were screaming and trying to retreat to the entrance as if knowing what lies ahead for them. Carcasses hung on hooks.
They are herded along a narrow aisle one at a time. Electric prods are applied to their heads to stun them. The stunned pigs are hung up on cranes by their hind legs and rolled over to the next station. As the pigs roll past on the cranes, a worker slit their throats. The cranes stopped at the end of the line for quite a while, presumably for the blood to drain off. I noticed quite a number of pigs were still twitching.
The screams of the pigs, nauseating smell of blood, pools of blood on the floor, the claustrophobic feel of the place...i still get goose bumps when i think back. A family outing that features a visit to an abattoir, have to wonder what kind of sons of bitches were in the organizing commitee.
Incidentally, Lennon was shot dead by a crazed fan seeking fame. So much for idealism.
imagine there's no countries or religon,
nothing to kill or die for
all the people living in peace
I think much of the fighting and killings happening around the world will stop if the concept of countries and especially religion is abolished. But never completely. There will always be reasons for senseless killings because of the selfish and violent nature of mankind.
Just look at this video showing the harvesting of fur from what looked like raccoons. I stopped watching when the farmer chopped off the legs. The poor animal was still alive during the ordeal. This probably took place in China, known for such delicacies as live monkey brains.
link to video - extreme graphic warning!!
I am reminded of my visit to an abattoir during my primary school days. It was one of those family outings organized by the CC. We were standing on the upper floor looking down at an efficient assembly line of death. Pigs, probably crazed by the scent of blood, were screaming and trying to retreat to the entrance as if knowing what lies ahead for them. Carcasses hung on hooks.
They are herded along a narrow aisle one at a time. Electric prods are applied to their heads to stun them. The stunned pigs are hung up on cranes by their hind legs and rolled over to the next station. As the pigs roll past on the cranes, a worker slit their throats. The cranes stopped at the end of the line for quite a while, presumably for the blood to drain off. I noticed quite a number of pigs were still twitching.
The screams of the pigs, nauseating smell of blood, pools of blood on the floor, the claustrophobic feel of the place...i still get goose bumps when i think back. A family outing that features a visit to an abattoir, have to wonder what kind of sons of bitches were in the organizing commitee.
Incidentally, Lennon was shot dead by a crazed fan seeking fame. So much for idealism.
Linkin Park - Crawling
sometimes i feel the inner demons lurking underneath my skin, waiting to burst out of the mask i am wearing
link
crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing what is real
there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
consuming/confusing
this lack of self-control I fear is never ending
controlling/I can't seem
to find myself again
my walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
so insecure
crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing what is real
discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me
distracting/reacting
against my will I stand beside my own reflection
it's haunting how I can't seem...
to find myself again
my walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
so insecure
crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing what is real
crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing confusing what is real
there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
consuming/confusing what is real
this lack of self-control I fear is never ending
controlling/confusing what is real
link
crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing what is real
there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
consuming/confusing
this lack of self-control I fear is never ending
controlling/I can't seem
to find myself again
my walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
so insecure
crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing what is real
discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me
distracting/reacting
against my will I stand beside my own reflection
it's haunting how I can't seem...
to find myself again
my walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
so insecure
crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing what is real
crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing confusing what is real
there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
consuming/confusing what is real
this lack of self-control I fear is never ending
controlling/confusing what is real
Friday, June 17, 2005
Quotable Quotes I
"The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget." Thomas Szasz
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
men do remember anniversaries
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee
in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his
coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room,
"Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and
sensitive. "Yes I do," she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in
my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said... "I would have gotten out today."
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee
in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his
coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room,
"Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and
sensitive. "Yes I do," she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in
my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said... "I would have gotten out today."
Monday, June 13, 2005
reminiscences
i woke and saw darkness outside the window. too early, i felt light-headed. I checked the phone and saw the message was from her. i started thinking back and felt the emotions welling inside me. it was going to be another blue morning.
it was too much and i gave up and pleaded guilty. that did wonders for my mental health. secrets are no fun and it has been on my mind for too long. i felt a strange calm despite knowing she may never ever reply.
lying down for what seemed like ages but actually a few mins, the reply came in.
oh my, she pardoned me.
In the evening i had bread with huge spreads of butter and olive oil(?). that was the most fattening piece of bread i had in a long time. and the sweetest because of the person who served it to me.
that was exactly 1 month ago, friday 13th.
only a month? In some ways it feels like it's been a long time, and in others, like it was yesterday.
it was too much and i gave up and pleaded guilty. that did wonders for my mental health. secrets are no fun and it has been on my mind for too long. i felt a strange calm despite knowing she may never ever reply.
lying down for what seemed like ages but actually a few mins, the reply came in.
oh my, she pardoned me.
In the evening i had bread with huge spreads of butter and olive oil(?). that was the most fattening piece of bread i had in a long time. and the sweetest because of the person who served it to me.
that was exactly 1 month ago, friday 13th.
only a month? In some ways it feels like it's been a long time, and in others, like it was yesterday.
Sunday, June 12, 2005
doctor kitty
Hello kitty's website has a psychological quiz to determine your view on marriage. Me got a 'C' score.
link
link
Thursday, June 9, 2005
Monday, June 6, 2005
容颜
我说最喜欢这首，她便拷贝我说“我也是！”。我们都是很有品味啦。
昨天夜里
我走过你的窗前
半明的灯火
照见你的容颜
今天早晨
我走过你的窗前
金黄的阳光
照着酣睡的脸
太阳渐渐西沉
草地上晚来的风
飘起了你的衣裙
和头上的丝巾
一阵南飞的雁
留下三两下叫声
还有青青的草色
和含笑的容颜
昨天夜里
我走过你的窗前
半明的灯火
照见你的容颜
今天早晨
我走过你的窗前
金黄的阳光
照着酣睡的脸
太阳渐渐西沉
草地上晚来的风
飘起了你的衣裙
和头上的丝巾
一阵南飞的雁
留下三两下叫声
还有青青的草色
和含笑的容颜
Song to the Siren
On the floating, shipless oceans
I did all my best to smile
til your singing eyes and fingers
drew me loving into your eyes.
And you sang "Sail to me, sail to me;Let me enfold you."
Here I am, here I am waiting to hold you.
Did I dream you dreamed about me?
Were you here when I was full sail?
Now my foolish boat is leaning, broken lovelorn on your rocks.
For you sang, "Touch me not, touch me not, come back tomorrow."
Oh my heart, oh my heart shies from the sorrow.
I'm as puzzled as a newborn child.
I'm as riddled as the tide.
Should I stand amid the breakers?
Or shall I lie with death my bride?
Hear me sing: "Swim to me, swim to me, let me enfold you."
"Here I am. Here I am, waiting to hold you."
~Tim Buckley
I did all my best to smile
til your singing eyes and fingers
drew me loving into your eyes.
And you sang "Sail to me, sail to me;Let me enfold you."
Here I am, here I am waiting to hold you.
Did I dream you dreamed about me?
Were you here when I was full sail?
Now my foolish boat is leaning, broken lovelorn on your rocks.
For you sang, "Touch me not, touch me not, come back tomorrow."
Oh my heart, oh my heart shies from the sorrow.
I'm as puzzled as a newborn child.
I'm as riddled as the tide.
Should I stand amid the breakers?
Or shall I lie with death my bride?
Hear me sing: "Swim to me, swim to me, let me enfold you."
"Here I am. Here I am, waiting to hold you."
~Tim Buckley
life is like a boat
A typical lazy saturday morning and I congratulated myself on not having to work weekends. So I was reading the news when someone just barged into the room and started scolding and nagging me on some nonsense that have been repeated 100s of times. It was just plain provocation and really uncalled for, still i kept quiet. Right after the onslaught, a sms came in and it was a colleague asking if i was free to cover his assignment.
At that point i just lost it. I switched off the phone and threw it into the drawer. Then grab a book and went out.
I sat down at BK and read the whole day. I cooled down a little and it helps that the book(The Seville Communion) is quite engaging. I also did some self-reflection. Some people have commented on my quiet and proud personality and how i shrugged off criticism. I want to be like a robot without a heart but the problem is i am not. That behaviour is just a mask to protect myself. Little things can upset me. I get very affected by work, love and family issues and sometimes i struggle to recover. At times i just feel the blues. I felt very lonely that sat afternoon.
A day later and a blue morning. I published some blogs that have been sitting as draft for some time, then continue with my book. It's late night now and i am feeling deflated. My phone is still sitting in the drawer. This is something new for me, mobile switched off for the entire weekend. No mood to go turn it on, I will do so tomorrow.
I dream of disappearing to a place where no one knows me. Maybe abroad..somewhere near the sea. Where i can enjoy the sun, eat my apples, read my book and listen to Keith Jarrett the whole day without anybody disturbing me. Back to reality, hope tomorrow will be better.
Nobody knows who I really am
I never felt this empty before
And if I ever need someone to come along,
Who's gonna comfort me, and keep me strong?
~Rie Fu
At that point i just lost it. I switched off the phone and threw it into the drawer. Then grab a book and went out.
I sat down at BK and read the whole day. I cooled down a little and it helps that the book(The Seville Communion) is quite engaging. I also did some self-reflection. Some people have commented on my quiet and proud personality and how i shrugged off criticism. I want to be like a robot without a heart but the problem is i am not. That behaviour is just a mask to protect myself. Little things can upset me. I get very affected by work, love and family issues and sometimes i struggle to recover. At times i just feel the blues. I felt very lonely that sat afternoon.
A day later and a blue morning. I published some blogs that have been sitting as draft for some time, then continue with my book. It's late night now and i am feeling deflated. My phone is still sitting in the drawer. This is something new for me, mobile switched off for the entire weekend. No mood to go turn it on, I will do so tomorrow.
I dream of disappearing to a place where no one knows me. Maybe abroad..somewhere near the sea. Where i can enjoy the sun, eat my apples, read my book and listen to Keith Jarrett the whole day without anybody disturbing me. Back to reality, hope tomorrow will be better.
Nobody knows who I really am
I never felt this empty before
And if I ever need someone to come along,
Who's gonna comfort me, and keep me strong?
~Rie Fu
Sunday, June 5, 2005
Melencolia I
taciturn, silent and alone,
vilified and despised,
banished to a cold and desolate wilderness
paying the price for rebelling against,
dogmatic oppressors,
disciplined and efficient,
nazis on leash
still yearn for awareness, freedom and lucidity,
knowing the uncertainty and pain it brings
living a life where nothing ever happens,
dreaming of what lies beyond the other side of the rainbow
fitter happier (me)
fitter, happier
and more productive
accept work and more work with thanks
walking with a spring in footsteps
place teamwork above the individual
charitable to associates and contemporaries
restive but disengaged
a mindless work automaton
be kind to animals
no jaywalking
stop acting like a child
no more childish acts and behaviour
grown up wearing different masks
no chance of escape
go straight home from work
be in bed by 9
don't hog the phone
obey your elders
criticisms are good for you
bear no grudges
act out the image people expects of you
live for others not yourself
be a puppet on strings
calm, fitter, healthier
and more productive
like a pig, in a cage, on antibiotics
and more productive
accept work and more work with thanks
walking with a spring in footsteps
place teamwork above the individual
charitable to associates and contemporaries
restive but disengaged
a mindless work automaton
be kind to animals
no jaywalking
stop acting like a child
no more childish acts and behaviour
grown up wearing different masks
no chance of escape
go straight home from work
be in bed by 9
don't hog the phone
obey your elders
criticisms are good for you
bear no grudges
act out the image people expects of you
live for others not yourself
be a puppet on strings
calm, fitter, healthier
and more productive
like a pig, in a cage, on antibiotics
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