Tuesday, December 20, 2005

mr broker

As I left the office, I saw mr broker. He hangs around the building everyday in the same rags, watching the public live stock ticker. A curious sight, a scrawny man squatting down taking notes as he stares at the screen. I gave him the nickname of mr broker as he seems so serious in his research or whatever he is on, paying no attention to curious stares from passerbys. Just doing his own thing. really.

This time his shirt has a large hole on the back, cut neatly as if with scissors. And a large neatly cut hole on the seat of his pants. He is still seemingly unbothered, taking notes, doing his own thing. At this moment i felt a strange sense of guilt. The vandalized set of clothing he is wearing might be the only set he owns.

Our modern cosmopolitan city has it's share of the poor, homeless and destitute, but i don't think i will be seeing someone in torn pants again anytime soon. In this society? no way! I was quite unsettled afterwards, thinking about the dignity factor or rather the lack of it, and the sense of provety in the scene that i witnessed. For sure this puts my daily grousing of work in real perspective.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Xmas

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To self, it's the festive season. Cheer up and don't let people easily put you down.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

kindness pays?

How friendly is too friendly? there's such a fine line between being friendly and giving the impression that you are flirting. It pays to tread carefully..

A new co-worker started work a few weeks ago. I gave her a few friendly pointers about the people at work, nothing sinister about it, i behaved politely. later on a few of us got together in a web chat, and after that there was a change in her behaviour. She got my number from the staff directory, and started messaging me morning greetings and calling to ask about meaningless things. This set off alarm bells in my head, so when she asked me out for lunch i arranged a lunch trip for a whole group of co-workers. This was a preemptive strike to avoid awkward solitary moments, and it worked out well.

Then, i got careless. We share a common hobby and a few days ago i pass on some collectibles to her. Boy, what a mistake. For the past two days, she has sent me corny messages at around 3am. What the..

The irony..outside of work, the other person i trying to chatup just acts cool. While over at the office, i did nothing and it's like i am being hit on. I may be over sensitive about this, but her behaviour is seriously freaking me out! Why am i always getting involved with the wrong people..Can't we co-exist in peace..?

Monday, November 7, 2005

lcd dirty?

Sunday, November 6, 2005

morning run

after a period of 2 weeks in which i was down with assorted ailments including cough, cold and fever, i went for my annual physical fitness test in the morning. armed with a nagging cough and less than 4 hrs of sleep due insomnia, i set off for the test venue to submit myself to fate.

and to my surprise, did resonably well. even though there were times during the run when i wondered if this will be the last run i ever embark on. if i can follow a regular jogging schedule, i can probably shave off a min or so from the timing and enter the top award category. that's a very big if!

I had it bad after the test, a stomach cramp so severe i can hardly walk. more than 12 hours later..i felt much better and most importantly alive and kicking thus this blog lol. the ordeals of the test seems a long time ago. well, until next year...

Wednesday, November 2, 2005

chipmunks!

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a silly chipmunks rap voiced over a cheesy eurodance beat..and best of all it makes me feel on high for the 1st few times hearings lol

link

Friday, October 21, 2005

the still mind

A mind that is still is the mind that never forfeits its freedom and is able to constantly keep rolling and rolling and rolling

I am trying to react to events by seeing out of myself and not put them in any framework. So I can act without attachment or aversion to sights and sounds. Basically to turn myself into a unfeeling robot.

So i won't be provoked into the posion that is anger
I won't be depressed over work
Cruel words from people won't hurt me.
Memories won't sadden me.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

what is love?

i got a warm fuzzy feeling down my spine while seeing this. local media should watch and learn, clips of artistes urging for donations because they worked so hard to enact some stupid stunts? oh please. if this ad was a local production urging for donations i will definitely contribute more.

Click here to watch

Monday, September 26, 2005

no surprises

Radiohead - No Surprises

A heart that's full up like a landfill,
a job that slowly kills you,
bruises that won't heal.
You look so tired-unhappy,
bring down the government,
they don't, they don't speak for us.
I'll take a quiet life,
a handshake of carbon monoxide,

with no alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises,
Silent silence.

This is my final fit,
my final bellyache,

with no alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises please.

Such a pretty house
and such a pretty garden.

No alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises please.

link

Saturday, September 17, 2005

timeout

For the past 13 days i have been working till late night beyond 10pm...omg...thats nearly two weeks with less than 5 hours of sleep daily. In the midst of all this shitloads of work sometimes i enter a dead zone and i will wonder what the hell is going on. And I haven't dine at home all this while!
Miracles of all miracles, finally i have a sunday off. Am i going to hibernate for the whole day or what...

Tuesday, September 6, 2005

自欺欺人

I have been listening to this song over and over again as the lyrics struck me. Issues that many people are undoubtedly facing.

The relationship is flat and you know there are many problems rocking the relationship. Character clashes, lack of understanding and care for each other and the passion that has fizzles out. But lacking the courage to make a clean break, not wanting to be the culprit that initiates it, and having settle into a routine, you are scared of being alone. So you find reasons to stay on and tell yourself things will get better, that both of us will change for each other's sake. You are just drifting along, floating in whatever direction the current takes you.

And ended up missing the whole forest for a tree.
[潇洒点结束不等于自私]. True, but it's never that simple.
Maybe it's better to be loved than to love.

file

自欺欺人- 方力申/傅颖

女:就算忍 
男:守得了秘密还不安心 原谅我 
女:不懂得再怎么扮幸运 原谅我 我顾虑成罪人
女:毕竟总有恻隐 知感情完了 扮未发生

女:想开口又沉默 想分手 又难受 终于都 欺骗你欺骗我感受
男:还道歉 说我会补救 
女:怎退后
男:对你说谎 表演够不够

女:这次 
男:又再骗你一次 
女:何不狠心一试
男:太害怕令你变得寂寞 每一次 都装出我好意
女:担心得我一个 呆坐到六时
男:别妄想你都讲过 别懒惰 要说清楚
女:看 我们正对峙懦弱地逃避了事 敷衍都算关注 
女:潇洒点结束不等于自私
合:分开方可各自开始

女:不想等是时候 不想拖是时候 真不想 欺骗你欺骗我感受
男:诚实说 我爱你不够 
女:想退后
男:爱到这刻只得责任 
女:不想占有

女:这次 
男:又再骗我一次 
女:何不狠心一试
男:太害怕害我变得寂寞 我想试 始终不敢乱试
女:担心得你一个 呆坐到六时
男:别妄想你都讲过 别懒惰 要说清楚
女:看 我们正对峙懦弱地逃避了事 敷衍都算关注 
男:潇洒点结束不等于自私 我为何怕事

女:没法拖手 
男:这次 
女:就要挥手 
男:这次 我曾发誓对你好 愿做你好友 减低一点内疚
女:真心话 我跟你无谓再逗留
男:别妄想你都讲过  别懒惰 要说清楚
女:既决定了告辞 别冒昧来电救治 请收起你心意 
男:潇洒点结束不等于自私
合:不必假装血流不止

女:不要 
男:又再诈骗 不要 
女:情深款款
合:不要 留下次处置

Monday, September 5, 2005

i had a dream

I had this dream last night, where i boarded a plane to Cleveland, in USA. The plane landed in the morning. I bought a return ticket on a flight in later afternoon, then took a cab to a grocery market. Inside, i heard a phone ringing coming from my pocket. I took out the phone and answer. It was a gal asking if i had received her email. I told her I am abroad and i will be heading back later in the afternoon. At that point i woke up to the sound of someone knocking on the door. The newspaper delivery guy was waiting for the monthly subscription fee.

I have never been to Cleveland in my entire life, nor do i know people there. But somehow in my dreams i just know i am going to Cleveland, and only to stay for a few hours! Of all places, i headed to a grocery store. I can even remember looking at the apples when the phone rang. And the wierd thing is, before i went to sleep i did receive an email from someone. I didn't knew how to reply so i gave up and went to bed.

And so later in my dreams i took a flight to escape? Unreal!

Saturday, September 3, 2005

superstar

i never watched a single episode..but the hype piqued my curosity and i tested out his rendition of 受伤了...not my cup of tea. Where's the longing and wistful emotion so evident in the original version? Reminds me of American Idol, the contestants raised the vocals just to show off their vocal range with no effort made to portray the emotional undertones that underlays the song. link

Thursday, September 1, 2005

1st sept

On this day, i want to thank the teachers who stars in a special chapter of my life. Their grace, warmth, generosity, dogged determination and enthusiasm for learning inspires me and i try to emulate them. On the other hand, i will remember some of them for their petty, fickle, indifferent, senile and inconsiderate behaviour, with it the sense of loss, futility and betrayal i felt at times. No one is perfect and gone are the days when teachers are held up as role model. I have learnt that life can't be viewed in black and white terms, and i try to emulate the good traits while avoiding the bad. In fact i see the closeted environment of the school as a microscopic model of the larger society. People are the same everywhere, you have to learn to take the good along with the bad. What makes the difference is the way you react to them and learning when to just let it go. I left school with a more enlightened view on life and i can't give the teachers enought credit for that. And so...

Thank you Teachers! Happy Teachers Day!

Sunday, August 21, 2005

teahouse

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My chillout experience at a teahouse.

Nice quiet place, abit cold. Patrons are required to leave their shoes at the entrance. Inside, the tables are below knee level with cushions at the side. I sat down on the wooden floor as the server boiled water and guided me through the process of tea brewing.

Rinse the teapots and cups with hot water.
Fill the teapot with tea leaves up to 1/3 full.
Pour hot water into the teapot to rinse the tea leaves and drain immediately.
Fill the teapot with hot water, close the lid and pour hot water over the teapot.
Wait for 30 secs, pour the tea into a second teapot.
Serve tea into the 1st cup, for savouring the fragrance of the tea. Then pour contents into the second cup for drinking.
Each pot of tea can be refilled with hot water for 3-4 servings before losing favour, just extend the brewing time by around 5 seconds with each serving.

There are shelves in the corner carrying board games, books and magazines. Poker cards are explicitly prohibited, a smart rule IMO as big2 and heart attack games does not make for a quiet and serene environment. I took some National Geographic magazines. 30 mins later, I was fidgeting about. I am of the opinion the layout is such that customers won't get too comfortable hanging around... Sitting down on the floor, one hour later the butt aches and its getting real chilly so the customer is compelled to leave. I stretched out a little and carry on reading, leaving when the place is closing 3 hours later.

Nice experience overall, I was able to put aside my troubles and just relax for a while. The fragrance of the Longjing tea cleared my senses and the delicate process of tea brewing has a calming effect. Nice place to revisit.

On the way back, I past by this joint called Eskibar. There were people in winter clothing standing outside the entrance, taking a smoke. Talk about wierd.

Friday, August 19, 2005

seeing double

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Thursday, August 18, 2005

physical test

In the lunar calendar, today is the 14th of july. The day where in folklore the gates of hell are opened and spirits spent their summer vacation on Earth.

The alarm clock sounded at 5am. A few hits on the snooze button later, i got out of bed and saw i was running late for my annual physical test. So i ended up taking a taxi. It was a long journey and while the driver was boring me out with his complains about telemarketing scams, I saw droplets forming on windscreen. The sky was massed with low grey clouds. Not good.

The security detail of the place has been beefed up. Beyond the security check at the entrance, a guard stood with a HUGE Alsatian by his side. Thank God it was on a leash, though I doubt the guard could have restrained the dog if it went crazy. I quickly walk past the pair and made my way to the assembling point. Turns out I was early, and I got into a chat with a career uniformed staff(Regular). The guy was taking the test too and he complained about the workload and how the people from other departments were biatches.

Years ago when serving my service, I observed that these regulars worked on a duty roster. When off duty, they have lots of free time to talk about hot issues like football punting, hot clubs to visit, cars and reading girly mags. Cars and their vanity accessories were a favorite topic, probably because these people earned too much money? The point is, for hours everyday these people are getting paid to sit on their butts. That was then. Over the past few days, I have been doing my in-camp refresher course and my observation is things remained the same.

I think many of these regulars joined the service straight from school, and have lived a sheltered life not knowing how corporate life works. Over the years, society has moved on. The term "job security" is now passé. People are facing retrenchments, pay freeze and contract jobs as the economic makeup undergoes a transition and companies moved towards out-sourcing. I hoped the regulars in the service appreciate their guaranteed jobs, and the regular bonuses and promotions.

The sky was still cast and i noticed the ground was still wet from an earlier rain. The safety guy arrived and after an inspection of the grounds, he duly announced the test cancelled due to wet weather. Damn...but may not be so bad after all. I have been feeling cold and lethargic the whole morning and wondering if i was up to the rigors of the test.

I went to bed early last night in anticipation of today's test but couldn't sleep. As midnight approaches, I started thinking about all sorts of rubbish like casper lurking outside the door etc. It was getting ridiculous so i shifted my thoughts to tomorrow's test, recalling the news of some unfortunate servicemen who collapsed after a run. What will happen if i collapsed during the run? Will anyone outside of my family miss me? Probably not. But my elderly folks will be in financial trouble, and i blamed myself for not looking into getting cover for this area. Amazing how the mind wanders at late night.

Back to the present, the test has been cancelled and i should look into getting cover. My conman of an insurance agent friend is going to get lucky.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

4 is a riot



On a day when i am not at work, something interesting happened at shenton way...A riot police squad was sent to break up a gathering of 2 men and women protesters.

link

遗忘过去

作曲:巫启贤
作词:木子

对生命你不必存有怀疑
人生它本来像一出戏
故事的结局是悲是喜
自己总会有些决定
看朝阳又带着希望升起
岁月的脚步从来不停息
等到那星月走进你梦里
生活变得更美丽

工作上有多少不如意
让明天去好好忘记
道路上总有许多不平的遭遇
化着点点滴滴
把它全部遗忘在回忆里

我忘不掉心碎的过去
可是我必须面对我自己
生存还要靠自己去努力
我不再忧郁
我挥不去昨日的恋情
可是我必须面对我自己
未来的生命要如何去代替
靠自己争取
霓虹底埋葬了几许
叫人们迷失自己的骗局
泡杯咖啡静听我告诉你

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

t.g.i.f


I walked in at around 10, and the place was packed. I walked around looking for my companions, got no more than a few metres and gave up. A mass of moving bodies in a claustrohobic space and I realized there's no way i am going to find them. There was no walking room, people were just standing in the middle holding a glass in their hands. I went over to the entrance and called my companions. One of them walked over and and told me to follow him. It was like the guide leading the blind as he gave a walking commentary "here, this way" , "no, this way, there's a real looker right ahead", "OMG did you see that rack??!"

We stood behind the stage, against the wall. The band members were nowhere in sight, and after a drink or two i felt bored. It was getting uncomfortably hot too. Standing beside us were two precious looking ladies, one that looked in her early twenties and the other, a more mature executive look. They were having a animated conversation punctured regularly with laughter, and after a few drinks they began to dance. I thought they put on quite a show in the absence of the band. Arms around each other, gyrating against each other to the pulsing beat of the music...just too bad there's no "upstairs room" for them to go makeout. A round of drinks later they left.

Someone's friend dropped by with a glass in one hand and a babe's waist in the other. He gave me a condescending look which flashes by quickly, but hell yeah i know that look when i see it. (Do i have the word N.E.R.D tattooed on my forehead or something?) He is a salesman representing some biomed company, and he knows just what kind of pills i need.
"Hey, you look quite pale"
"....So i am"
"Are you interested in getting tanned?"
"you selling sunbeds or something"
"No, something better. Pills that will give your skin a healthy tanned look!"
(wtf...) "Ok, you tried them before?"
"No, i go to the pool. Hey, you really should drop by my clinic sometime. I can explain to you in details."
(i don't feel lucky enough to swallow pigment pills, but out of courtesy...) "umm...sure. i will think about it."

Mercifully, the band came on and ended the conversation. There were 2 leads and they took turns to perform. I thought the gal has a much better voice than the guy, there were definitely some low points when the guy is singing. The gal got the crowd going with a rousing performance of Creep.
You're so FUCKIN special (Quite a few people shouted this line out lol)
I wished I was special.
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
When I don't belong here.


This song is just awesome and reflected my sentiments exactly. I went into contemplation mood and felt the blues coming. Or it could be i was feeling light-headed and the smoke around the place is killing my eyes. I downed a glass of ice water and excused myself for the night. I walked out into the night. It was a cold night and in the absence of clouds the sky was dotted with stars. I sat down on the stairs. My body reeks like an old ashtray, my head was throbbing, I can barely open my eyes as they are so dry.

I really should stop doing this already.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

how are you feeling today?



exhausted, lonely, hopeful

spot the fake smile

i have often been accused of forcing a grimacing smile...maybe that's why i can spot a fake smile a mile away. I got 16/20 score for this test.
link

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

夜深了

在纷乱的社会里,种种因素造成压力无形的产生而感到烦躁.在深夜里,跟网友在网上清谈,给予慰问。虽然素未谋面,谈起来有时候反比真实的朋友来得亲切.在 言语间意会到自己的不安,虽不能完全放下,但也能给一个短暂的舒缓.虽然他们看不到,其实朋友也好网友也好,在此真心地想答谢你们.

Friday, July 8, 2005

说话的温度

(转贴)说话的温度----郑丹瑞

急事,慢慢的说;
大事,清楚的说;
小事,幽默的说;
没把握的事,谨慎的说;
没发生的事,不要胡说;
做不到的事,别乱说;
伤害人的事,不能说;
讨厌的事,对事不对人的说;
开心的事,看场合说;
伤心的事,不要见人就说;
别人的事,小心的说;
自己的事,听听自己的心怎么说;
现在的事,做了再说;
未来的事,未来再说;
如果对我有不满意的地方,请一定要对我说。

Thursday, July 7, 2005

无壳蜗牛

好友打电话向我诉苦说心情很不好。我挂念着,提议马上去会面。

"你很闷会影响我心情,我约了别人,你不用来。“

这番患难见真情的话,带给我一定的震撼力。想起来近期较少见面,可能出于同样的原因。

需要一个人时,处于被动的状况,不时期望着被关怀。想见面,被需要的对方却可潇洒的说
“今天不行,明天也不行,你别这样,你应该有你自己的生活。”
近期沉溺地需要别人,现在觉得自己得学习独立解决问题。

朋友有困难,好在朋友周围有其他人能给予开导规劝,我能比较放心。自己帮不了忙还给予负面的影响,我感到惭愧,有烦恼就不愿与不敢向对方诉说。


我这样是算多心,小气,无聊,自怜,还是像一只过敏的无壳蜗牛?以上均是吧。

Friday, July 1, 2005

war of the worlds

I just watched War of the Worlds. The night before I saw Signs and comparing these 2 alien themed movies, i prefer the latter. War of the Worlds has some hopping robots and niffy lasers in term of effects, beyond that nothing much. Signs has no special effects to talk about, but it is very effective in terms of suspense and made me jupmed a few times. Both movies featured disenchanted male lead, annoying daughter and the token disaffected young male.
War has a high body count, but i just can't feel anything for the characters.
Probably because of the mood i was in during the movie. I didn't plan on watching the movie, partly because i was turned off by Cruise's recent antics. A spur of the moment decision really, 5 mins before i left office. A lousy day at work, tasks piling high. I felt like i was being buried alive, the atmosphere was suffocating, my head was like a leaden weight. I needed to give myself a break and pamper myself a little so dragged my ass to the theatres and pick a show.
The ending is a bit of a letdown, just like Signs's was. The show was not that great but it was a tune-out session for me and i do feel a little better. And oh yes, the trailer for Peter Jackson's King Kong was played before the movie. One word, bizarre.

Saturday, June 25, 2005

song from a secret garden


"Somewhere within us all there is a secret garden, in which we can seek refuge when times are rough, or retire to in joy or contemplation"

I listened to this track for like hours.

link

Friday, June 24, 2005

i love eggs!

oh my...i kinda like it *~*
do you?

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

我终于了解


讨厌一个人不代表恨他
之前的工作,我蛮喜欢那里的同事,工作上的任务也能应付的来。就是受不了我的上司,常给我些无聊的工作,叫我跟他开无聊的会议。无形中产生对工作的压力与恐惧,开始厌倦上班。可是已习惯了工作环境与脸孔,不勇于尝试新环境,所以有点儿逃避没想要换工。直到一天我突然觉悟了,知道逃避根本是在浪费自己的时间。这时心里觉得轻松许多。离开那有半年了,如果遇到旧上司喝个咖啡我可以接受。我发觉我并不恨他,可能我不会记仇,事情已过去就算了吧。我不恨他,没想过要他承受什么报应,只是讨厌跟他一起工作。我对一些所谓的仇人有同样的想法。

做出反应远比思考来得容易
工作上没仔细筹划好,常害了自己。逛街买错了没用的东西回家也后悔。烦恼时,朋友关心着,我却闷闷不乐板着脸不说话,一点都不体会对方的感受,朋友就渐渐地疏远了我。

你无法强迫别人爱你。
你所能做的,是使自己成为可被爱的人。
此外,则不是你所能决定的。

对方没意思,死缠烂打,自己会更伤心而让对方反感。喜欢她,可能会想控制她或过度保护她,认为是为她好,不管她的感受就要她改变行为成为心目中理想的人。想过她的感受吗?当她离开我,我很难过,但我能理智处理让她得到自由,为此感到欣慰。现在的另一个她,我也只能以尊重与关怀的方式爱着她。

不论我如何付出关怀,
有些人就是无动于衷。

从小缺少家庭温暖,却造就了想照顾与关怀周围人的性格,可以让我感觉到自己的存在。这样常被人利用。也有人不领情,可能认为我有什么企图,我感到蛮难受的。在我失落时,想找人陪伴。不是要求友人指点我帮我解决问题,告诉我因该这样做那样做。而是想有人体会我所承受的压力,关怀与支持着我。对方可能没空或有点冷淡。我又不善于表达心中的感受,烦恼闷在心里。我会有这种想法,这个世界很大但只有我一个人。其实人人都有烦恼,我也知道朋友虽忙但也关心着我。地球不是以我为中心,我承认自己小气。

需要经历很长的时日,
才能使我成为我所欲成为的人。

现的性格是多年来环境所造出的。要改变谈何容易?戴着面具的感觉也不好。朋友常有开导我,我就式着看吧。

你可以继续走下去
远超过你所以为的极限。

有时候会觉得很消沉感觉生活很无奈。要想到这世上还是有人关心着你,你没被遗忘,要努力的好好生活。我是这样希望吧。如果有勇气作决定,问题是可以解决的。

我与最好的朋友
可以做任何事,
或不做任何事,
而一样享受了最棒的时光。

很多人都说我是个单调的人。跟我在一起应该是很闷吧!对不起啦。跟好友在一起,跑步搬东西或坐着发呆都感觉很好。如果不投缘,去游山玩水兴趣也会受影响。

你的家人不会永远帮着你。
也许看来可笑,但那些与你无关的人
却会关怀你,爱你,教你重新信任人。
家庭不是一种肉身的关系。

感觉朋友们比家人更了解我,有时会从他们感觉到在家感觉不到的关怀。人有时是这样,开始时很关怀与欣赏你,关系熟了就不珍惜了。我不是一个特别容易相处的人。能透彻地认识我,也不是能轻易做到的,谢谢你们的体谅与关怀。

被人原谅不一定足够,
有时你也得学习原谅自己。

别人原谅你,你过不了自己这关,就避开他们。不知道该这么来形容这种感觉呢?

不论你的心破碎到什麽程度,
世界也不会因你的悲伤而停止运转。

C'est La Vie!

两个人可以看着同一件事,
却见到完全不同的东西。

A: 这是我亲手做的,有我的诚意与爱心,真的很希望你会喜欢。
B: 不看多一眼,就扔在一边。

Sunday, June 19, 2005

the fur trade

In John Lennon's Imagine, the song goes
imagine there's no countries or religon,
nothing to kill or die for
all the people living in peace

I think much of the fighting and killings happening around the world will stop if the concept of countries and especially religion is abolished. But never completely. There will always be reasons for senseless killings because of the selfish and violent nature of mankind.

Just look at this video showing the harvesting of fur from what looked like raccoons. I stopped watching when the farmer chopped off the legs. The poor animal was still alive during the ordeal. This probably took place in China, known for such delicacies as live monkey brains.
link to video - extreme graphic warning!!

I am reminded of my visit to an abattoir during my primary school days. It was one of those family outings organized by the CC. We were standing on the upper floor looking down at an efficient assembly line of death. Pigs, probably crazed by the scent of blood, were screaming and trying to retreat to the entrance as if knowing what lies ahead for them. Carcasses hung on hooks.

They are herded along a narrow aisle one at a time. Electric prods are applied to their heads to stun them. The stunned pigs are hung up on cranes by their hind legs and rolled over to the next station. As the pigs roll past on the cranes, a worker slit their throats. The cranes stopped at the end of the line for quite a while, presumably for the blood to drain off. I noticed quite a number of pigs were still twitching.

The screams of the pigs, nauseating smell of blood, pools of blood on the floor, the claustrophobic feel of the place...i still get goose bumps when i think back. A family outing that features a visit to an abattoir, have to wonder what kind of sons of bitches were in the organizing commitee.

Incidentally, Lennon was shot dead by a
crazed fan seeking fame. So much for idealism.

Linkin Park - Crawling

sometimes i feel the inner demons lurking underneath my skin, waiting to burst out of the mask i am wearing

link

crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing what is real

there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
consuming/confusing
this lack of self-control I fear is never ending
controlling/I can't seem

to find myself again
my walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
so insecure

crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing what is real

discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me
distracting/reacting
against my will I stand beside my own reflection
it's haunting how I can't seem...

to find myself again
my walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
so insecure

crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing what is real

crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing confusing what is real

there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
consuming/confusing what is real
this lack of self-control I fear is never ending
controlling/confusing what is real

Friday, June 17, 2005

Quotable Quotes I

"The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget." Thomas Szasz

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

charlie brown reloaded

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

I laughed when i saw this. Charlie like you never seen him before!

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

men do remember anniversaries

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee
in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his
coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room,
"Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and
sensitive. "Yes I do," she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in
my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said... "I would have gotten out today."

Monday, June 13, 2005

reminiscences

i woke and saw darkness outside the window. too early, i felt light-headed. I checked the phone and saw the message was from her. i started thinking back and felt the emotions welling inside me. it was going to be another blue morning.
it was too much and i gave up and pleaded guilty. that did wonders for my mental health. secrets are no fun and it has been on my mind for too long. i felt a strange calm despite knowing she may never ever reply.
lying down for what seemed like ages but actually a few mins, the reply came in.
oh my, she pardoned me.
In the evening i had bread with huge spreads of butter and olive oil(?). that was the most fattening piece of bread i had in a long time. and the sweetest because of the person who served it to me.


that was exactly 1 month ago, friday 13th.
only a month? In some ways it feels like it's been a long time, and in others, like it was yesterday.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

doctor kitty

Hello kitty's website has a psychological quiz to determine your view on marriage. Me got a 'C' score.
link

Thursday, June 9, 2005

我真的受伤了

朋友,这flash动画收录的是张学友独唱版本,有歌词显示。想念你。
flash

Monday, June 6, 2005

容颜

我说最喜欢这首,她便拷贝我说“我也是!”。我们都是很有品味啦。

昨天夜里
我走过你的窗前
半明的灯火
照见你的容颜

今天早晨
我走过你的窗前
金黄的阳光
照着酣睡的脸

太阳渐渐西沉
草地上晚来的风
飘起了你的衣裙
和头上的丝巾

一阵南飞的雁
留下三两下叫声
还有青青的草色
和含笑的容颜

Song to the Siren

On the floating, shipless oceans
I did all my best to smile
til your singing eyes and fingers
drew me loving into your eyes.
And you sang "Sail to me, sail to me;Let me enfold you."
Here I am, here I am waiting to hold you.
Did I dream you dreamed about me?
Were you here when I was full sail?
Now my foolish boat is leaning, broken lovelorn on your rocks.
For you sang, "Touch me not, touch me not, come back tomorrow."
Oh my heart, oh my heart shies from the sorrow.
I'm as puzzled as a newborn child.
I'm as riddled as the tide.
Should I stand amid the breakers?
Or shall I lie with death my bride?
Hear me sing: "Swim to me, swim to me, let me enfold you."
"Here I am. Here I am, waiting to hold you."

~Tim Buckley

life is like a boat

A typical lazy saturday morning and I congratulated myself on not having to work weekends. So I was reading the news when someone just barged into the room and started scolding and nagging me on some nonsense that have been repeated 100s of times. It was just plain provocation and really uncalled for, still i kept quiet. Right after the onslaught, a sms came in and it was a colleague asking if i was free to cover his assignment.
At that point i just lost it. I switched off the phone and threw it into the drawer. Then grab a book and went out.

I sat down at BK and read the whole day. I cooled down a little and it helps that the book(The Seville Communion) is quite engaging. I also did some self-reflection. Some people have commented on my quiet and proud personality and how i shrugged off criticism. I want to be like a robot without a heart but the problem is i am not. That behaviour is just a mask to protect myself. Little things can upset me. I get very affected by work, love and family issues and sometimes i struggle to recover. At times i just feel the blues. I felt very lonely that sat afternoon.

A day later and a blue morning. I published some blogs that have been sitting as draft for some time, then continue with my book. It's late night now and i am feeling deflated. My phone is still sitting in the drawer. This is something new for me, mobile switched off for the entire weekend. No mood to go turn it on, I will do so tomorrow.

I dream of disappearing to a place where no one knows me. Maybe abroad..somewhere near the sea. Where i can enjoy the sun, eat my apples, read my book and listen to Keith Jarrett the whole day without anybody disturbing me. Back to reality, hope tomorrow will be better.

Nobody knows who I really am
I never felt this empty before
And if I ever need someone to come along,
Who's gonna comfort me, and keep me strong?
~Rie Fu

Sunday, June 5, 2005

Melencolia I



taciturn, silent and alone,
vilified and despised,
banished to a cold and desolate wilderness
paying the price for rebelling against,
dogmatic oppressors,
disciplined and efficient,
nazis on leash
still yearn for awareness, freedom and lucidity,
knowing the uncertainty and pain it brings
living a life where nothing ever happens,

dreaming of what lies beyond the other side of the rainbow

fitter happier (me)

fitter, happier
and more productive
accept work and more work with thanks
walking with a spring in footsteps
place teamwork above the individual
charitable to associates and contemporaries
restive but disengaged
a mindless work automaton
be kind to animals
no jaywalking
stop acting like a child
no more childish acts and behaviour
grown up wearing different masks
no chance of escape
go straight home from work
be in bed by 9
don't hog the phone
obey your elders
criticisms are good for you
bear no grudges
act out the image people expects of you
live for others not yourself
be a puppet on strings
calm, fitter, healthier
and more productive
like a pig, in a cage, on antibiotics

Thursday, May 19, 2005

The Darkness and the Rose

Hidden away from the light
A blossoming flower left to die
Her potential not met
Not by any fault of her own
but that of those whose expectations
grow cold lying in minds filled with doubt and lifeless thought.
Her own mind wilting like that of a starved rose


- by Soulgirl

A poem i came across on a board, haunting.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

tiramisu

The literal translation of "tirami-su" is "pick-me-up"

light chocolate pudding on top
with chocolate fingers
a fluffy feeling
whipped cream soaked in strong expresso
mixed with alcohol
a delicate balance
the sweet dreamy sensation, mixed with bitterness
lost in the feeling of intoxication
the mild hangover
numbness after sober up

an imitation of my life

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

drawing with PS



Wow this is tougher than it looks, my first attempt at drawing with PS. The nose took me ages. And hair is the toughest part. I looked up tutorials on drawing hair and found that drawing realistic hair require techniques that are way beyond my comfort zone. I was going to surrender and make her don a cap, but in the end i drew up something which hopefully doesn't looks like a disaster. Oh well there's always a first time anyway. Hope my model (and me) recuperate fast and pls don't be too pissed off with me for distorting her pretty face =p

Monday, May 9, 2005

coloring with ps



Remember back in primary one, during art class we will be given sheets of paper with outlines of drawings to color up. Back then i can't afford a proper set of color pencils, so i will go around borrowing different colors from classmates. I like these little exercises even though my works often looked hideous!

Today it rained the whole morning and ruined my plans. So i install a trial of Photoshop CS2 to test out some techniques from a photoshop book. I saw this section on coloring techniques and i thought why not?

Someone refused to send me her photo, so i grab a picture of some random actress off the web to use as guinea pig. I converted the picture to B/W, created a lot of masks and hue adjustment layers. No idea as to what new features are available in CS2. but it does feels "heavier" than CS1.

Looking at the end results, i think she made a right decision not to let me use her picture haha. Photoshop is fun!

Thursday, May 5, 2005

回首来时路

回首来时路,点点滴滴在心头。
真爱在于过程,而不再于终点。
不在乎天长地久,只在乎曾经拥有。
。。。。
真是废话。喜欢一个人,会不想跟她过着幸福快乐的生活吗?
可是现实以如此,我能怎样呢?
也没想要求什么。
只希望她能过的幸福快乐,我想我应该就满足了。
就这样吧。
视线变得有点模糊。
以前我是这样活过来的。如今也只能这样活下去。

Tuesday, May 3, 2005

五体不满足

『任何一个人,只要心灵是健全的,就永远不会满足 。』

是否只有五体健全才能获得人生幸福?生活中常看到残缺人士努力过着正常生活,乐观进取。有些人生來四肢健全,却过着昏暗消沉的人生。我总是懒懒散散的过时间,什么都不去想,也不想去做。感觉就是生活空虚无聊,身上的压力却越来越大。
近期发生了一些事,让我感觉到人是很脆弱的。乘着还健康时,我应该调整生活目标,调动自己的潜力,来充实一下生活。希望我的朋友能珍惜現在,全力以赴来争取自身的幸福。

『 珍惜自己、活在当下』

how are you, friend



How do you define a friend? For me a friend is someone who will be there for me. One i can confide in and can be trusted to keep it secret. One i can count on to kick me in the ass when i deserves it. Someone i can call on at 1am when i am upset and they don't get mad. Someone who will spend the day with me and bear with me when i am down.

In the past i have been disappointed and letdown by people i considered friends. So i grow into this habit of keeping a distance from people at work. I act dis-engaged towards people and when i move on i leave memories of the people behind. Simply put i have what someone calls a bloody attitude towards people. Very negative view i admit, but one i feel justified when i see the antics of my co-workers.

There's someone I have known for a quite a while but never really communicate with. Recently we started hanging out and i discover under that detached demeanor she's a warm, sensitive and generous person. I can talk to her comfortably without having to put on a mask. She cares enough to point out my flaws, and suffer my silence willingly when i am feeling down. It took a few years, but I found a new friend.

My friend has not been in a good state for a while. We don't interfere with each other's private life, but i feel i must communicate to her directly on the problems she is having. She has done the same for me and I will do so because i care for her, a dear friend.

Peace of mind is attained not by ignoring problems, but by
solving them.
- Raymond Hull

Monday, May 2, 2005

The secret island



Remember The Secret Island by Enid Blyton? The series were a favorite of mine back in primary school. One day at work I felt deflated, tired and empty. I took a book from the library shelf and started reading. The title of the book is the secret island and as i read it's like revisiting my childhood. I hunt around at used book stores for the books and today i completed the series with the secret of spiggy holes.

Some themes are present throughout the series - loyalty, friendship, courage, spirit of adventure. I still hope to be as adventurous as those kids in the book and disappear off to some island to chill out. Well if i ever do that i will keep my promise to inform my friend first haha.

Saturday, April 30, 2005

悲しい

How could i have lost it...
Ane-chan had made my day by making me a pudgy little replica. Back home i was lying down on the bed reading the card when i realize the figurine was not in the bag(!) The next 30 mins i spent in vain looking up and down for it....Probably slipped out of the bag when i was in the train or something. I am still hoping it will turn up somewhere in the room.

The figurine is the fruit of Ane-chan's heart and effort, and i love and appreciate it. How can i repay her? I am sorry and sad for being so careless. Please forgive me, i let you pinch okie.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

What do you do when you check into a hotel room?

turn on all the lights

put DND sign on the door

put the luggage on the table

turn the tv on

check the bedsheets to see if they are clean ones

take off shoes and put on slippers

open up the cupboards and drawers to see if they are empty as should be

check the bathroom for toiletries supplies and fill up the bathtub

look thru the window at the scenery and look for any landmarks to visit

soak in bath tub. can be dangerous at high altitude..i went to this place which was 3000m above sea level and i got a nose bleed after bathing.

lie down on bed and channel surf. I like to see the local advertisements for they can tell you what the local culture is like.

Look at the room service menu

zzzzz......

Saturday, April 23, 2005

The Cab Ride

I normally delete forwarded emails without viewing the contents. I chance upon this story when i randomly open a FW: email and it affected me emotionally and got me thinking a little so i saved it into the harddrive. See what you make of it.

The Cab Ride
Author - Unknown

Twenty years ago, I drove a cab for a living. It was a cowboy's life, a life for someone who wanted no boss. What I didn't realize was that it was also a ministry. Because I drove the night shift, my cab became a moving confessional. Passengers climbed in, sat behind me in total anonymity, and told me about their lives. I encountered people whose lives amazed me, ennobled me, made me laugh and weep. But none touched me more than a woman I picked up late one August night. I was responding to a call from a small brick fourplex in a quiet part of town. I assumed I was being sent to pick up some party-ers, or someone who had just had a fight with a lover, or a worker heading to an early shift at some factory for the industrial part of town.

When I arrived at 2:30 AM, the building was dark except for a single light in a ground floor window. Under these circumstances, many drivers would just honk once or twice, wait a minute, then drive away. But, I had seen too many impoverished people who depended on taxis as their only means of transportation. Unless a situation smelled of danger, I always went to the door. This passenger might be someone who needs my assistance, I reasoned to myself.

So I walked to the door and knocked. "Just a minute", answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor.

After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 80's stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940s movie.

By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets. There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.

"Would you carry my bag out to the car?" she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman.
She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb. She kept thanking me for my kindness.
"It's nothing", I told her. "I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother treated".
"Oh, you're such a good boy", she said.

When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, then asked, "Could you drive through downtown?"
"It's not the shortest way," I answered quickly.
"Oh, I don't mind," she said. "I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice".
I looked in the rearview mirror. Her eyes were glistening.
"I don't have any family left," she continued. "The doctor says I don't have very long."
I quietly reached over and shut off the meter. "What route would you like me to take?" I asked.

For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator. We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl. Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.

As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, "I'm tired. Let's go now."We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico.

Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her.
I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.

"How much do I owe you?" she asked, reaching into her purse.
"Nothing," I said.
"You have to make a living," she answered.
"There are other passengers," I responded.
Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly.
"You gave an old woman a little moment of joy," she said. "Thank you."

I squeezed her hand, then walked into the dim morning light. Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life.

I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly, lost in thought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk.
What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?
On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life. We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. But great moments often catch us unaware--beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

R.I.P. Scott R. Lemmon

I just read about the death of Scott R.Lemmon and i was stunned for a while. He is the author of a web filtering program called The Proxomitron(Prox). I don't know the guy but his little program has transform my surfing experience upside down and benefited many people. I have been using it for a long time, 3-4 years, maybe even more? Prox is basically a filtering engine that lies between the internet and the browser. Ok, so what about it? You can set rules and proxo will amend webpages as they load in the browser. Hate the ads? You can replace them with a smiley. Don't like flash? You can replace the flash file with a URL to the flash. With a little HTML knowledge you can change any webpage to your liking. It requires no installation and runs quietly in the background. This is one program i will gladly pay for, yet it's free!

Scott has stopped development for a long time after suffering character attacks by a user who criticized a feature of the program. Did he creat this
webpage knowing his clock was ticking? It's sad he stop the development of the program under such duress and i wonder if he was already suffering from a condition. Condolences to Scott's family. He has moved on but his program will continue to help the web community.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Mike the headless chicken



Mike the Chicken got his head chopped off and live on for 18 months. He acts like a normal chicken, walking around and went through the motions of pecking for food. Please picture a headless chicken pecking for food and you will agree with me it's not easy!

Think about how much of a brain you need to go about doing your daily work.
In mike's case(and mine), not a lot. Many a times when i am rushing around like a headless chicken doing mindless work, i think to myself did i go thru more than 10 years of schooling for this shit?

Mike's will to live despite his considerable handicap was celebrated by many people. I should learn from Mike and try not to think much during work as it's too difficult to understand and reason with the crazy ppl at work. Too bad he is not well known here as he will make a great mascot for the year of the Rooster :o

Sunday, April 17, 2005

[转]有拾就有得

心中之鸟
我们的心住了很多小鸟,日夜叽叽喳喳的吵个不停,让自己不得平静。如果我们把心中的鸟笼打开,让鸟都飞出去,这样,内心就会宁静了。放开心中鸟,不要不得

心 窗
一栋房子如果没有窗户,温暖的太阳就无法照进来,新鲜的空气也不能飘进来。我们人也是一样,『心窗』没有打开的时候,就会感到气闷;『心窗』打开了,心才能够通达,心灵的视觉才更清晰。一旦窗户打开了,心灵的空间也就豁然开朗,对於一些事情也能看得更透彻了,如此再来解『空』的道理,就能消化『有』的烦恼。如果看得到内心空的好处,你就要赶紧腾出空来

蒙古包
人若希望离苦得乐,获得自由,就要开悟自己的心。 心若是没有开悟,就像包得紧紧的蒙古包; 在蒙古包,看不到天空、海洋,也看不到绿地。 心没有打开,怎麽可能不生烦恼呢? 所以,我们要开悟自己的心,像太阳一样光明, 只有在明亮的天空下,看一切才都无障无碍。把心打开,让太阳照进去,心才会明明亮亮的

水入大海
碰到大小的事情、烦恼的事情, 我们都要能够忍、能够包容, 就像大海纳百川一样, 大海毫无选择的将河水、溪水、排水沟的水...... 通通纳入其中,而成一味--味。 海有各种不同的水,但不影响海水味, 我们学佛法就要有这样的心, 任何事物都接受,对任何事物都能够化解, 最後体悟空性的滋味。不论是臭水、溪水、河水,一旦流入大海,都变成了海水

雕冰的心情
工作就像雕一座冰宫,在灯光照耀下,五彩缤纷、光耀夺目,但水晶冰宫最後总会融化。专心从事工作,是非常好的,但是如果心情太过沈重,就会很累、压力很大,所以,要用雕冰的心情,轻松愉快地完成,不要太执着、太认真,但是要用心雕刻

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

莲花

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去图书馆借了本Photoshop(PS)教程书, 看了几章后就找了张图片试看PS的色彩调整工具。会选用了一张莲花图,是因为想起了朋友说的蓮花出污泥而不染的一番道理。这张图的颜色有点淡,正好让我试用色彩调整工具来设法改进。

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改后的效果并不理想。叶的颜色过暗,显出花颜色太过鲜艳而且看起来不自然。
我在Baby的家读了本经书,有章比喻高原之地不生莲花,把自己弄得太清高、太高超,离开人世一切,等于把蓮花种子种在山頂上,永远不会开莲花。 这张图看起来有点儿这番道理吧。

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从头做起修改了后,这次的效果让我觉得是比较满意的。花和叶配起来看得比较舒服,颜色也比较自然 。莲花种在烂泥中,出污泥而不染,反而更清净 、更芬芳。看着看着觉得不错嘛,但在跟原来的图比较后,还是觉得未修改的莲花看起来比较清晰自然。人放下面具做回自己是最美的吗?还是我的PS技术太差了哈哈。

以前觉得PS很复杂,现在使用后觉得还蛮有趣的啊!

Monday, April 11, 2005

He <-> She

HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.
======
HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
=======
HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
========
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.
=======
HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
=======
HE: Your face must turn a few heads
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.
=======
HE: Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.
======
HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
======
HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
======
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?
=====
HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it
=====
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.
======
HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
=======
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
======
HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
======
HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.
=======
HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.
=======
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.
========

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Baby

I was startled awake by the sound of the alarm clock ringing. I was feeling so disoriented and groggily reach over to hit the snooze button. It's really dark for 7am. My consciousness returned and i reach for my mobile phone to see 6am. I thought someone must have set the alarm clock time quicker by an hour, brilliant...Then my mood turns from irritation to bemusement as i realize who the culprit was. Baby has been playing around with my clock the day before.

The first time i saw Baby she was sleeping. She was wrapped around with a tower, just like a popiah i thought ^^ . I was actually a little afraid of her and just marveled from a distance, she looks so tiny and fragile...Next time i saw her she has just pass her 1st month. I remember her crying most of the time, probably frightened by people crowding around her. She looks really cute when she quiet down. I carried her into my arms and she started crying again :(

Over the months i saw her on numerous occasions and noted the changes. She can now walk a few unsteady steps supported. She can recognize people and surroundings quite well. Someone was carrying her around and of course she started crying. She was gently placed on the floor and i thought it amazing how she immediately crawled over to her mother at the other side of the room. She is very much a crybaby, but when she is quietly sitted down and look curiously at the surroundings she looks like a little angel. I sat down beside her, set my phone cam to self portrait and gave her the phone so she can see herself. She hold the phone and look at the screen for a while, then hold my beloved phone to her mouth and started biting. Strangely i don't mind it at all...

And even now, instead of being irritated i feel a little proud of her. She has been fiddling around with the clock to turn on the LED backlight. At least she didn't slow the clock and make me late for work haha. I must have mellowed a little...

Baby's 1st birthday is coming real soon and we are having a party for her.
Happy Birthday, Baby.

Sunday, April 3, 2005

wally on stress

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When we see frens in distress or under stress, we will feel obliged to help out and offer our advice. This can be quite tricky and i sometime feel awkward doing so because it's easy to n.a.t.o (no action talk only) when you are a spectator on the outside of a situation looking in. I try to avoid acting like a smartass, just be there for them if they need help. And people sometimes ask you for an opinion when they have already made up their mind, just looking for reassurance. I am one of them kekeke

case 1 : This guy treats his gf like dirt and is always looking for a fling. After the gf gave him the boot and hooked up with someone, he mops around, acts like an asshole and generally got on everyone's nerves. He keeps trying to win her back, talking about his love for her while on the side he has already found another fling. I find him to be the possessive dominant type who wants to makeup because he got ditched. You want to break? Fine, i will break on MY terms, not you. I want to tell him that we don't owe him a living and he best stop acting like a wimp, but in his case it's better for me to sit back and watch the show.

case 2: This guy is infatuated with a girl who's attached. He chauffeurs her to and from work everyday, sometimes disrupting his work. All the while the girl is giving him mixed signals, sometimes even discussing her relationship problems with my fren. The interesting thing is when he met with an accident, he called her but she reacted passively and did not visit him in hospital. Only when he bought a car, THEN she got friendlier with him. To us it's plain that she is playing him. He asks if he should continue doing this, and of course we encourage him to give it up. He will nod while looking distracted, and then run off to pick her up after receiving her msg. I realize when we are talkin to him, he may be listening but he is not listening. I told him to go for it and wishes him luck. It's obvious he has already made his mind and he is just looking to us for encouragement. Since he is happy to continue this way, just let him be.
真心爱一个人,不是去占有她。而是希望她永远幸福,快乐, 仅此而已。
I don't know if he is thinking this way, but may it be that he gets lucky and the girl actually falls for him. No one can get thru to him so this is something he has to work out on his own.


case 3: work related stress, work fatigue, performance anxiety. In this area i am an expert on feeling depressed, so i have a more sympathetic approach. Management guru Wally has a very good theory on performance anxiety in the cartoon strip on top and i find it reflects the working environment more accurately than any self-help books. Very interesting but i won't be sending it out as generally stressed up people don't appreciate jokes and smartass remarks. I just try to commiserate with fellow sufferers as i know the feeling, help out in little ways if i can, and send them little things to help them relax.

I won't be going into the counselling biz anytime soon as i will probably be telling patients to just snap out of it lol. Good news is my counselor J, on her birthday, has managed to make a troubled teen see the light. Great job!

Saturday, April 2, 2005

Happy Birthday J!

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Happy birthday To You,
You Were Born in the Zoo,
With the monkeys and Kangaroos,
Happy Birthday to you!
=p

Thomas Edison

april's fool day



Normal day in the office, only the students playing some kiddy planks on one another. My project is not progressing well and looking at the situation i think it's going to end up a disaster. And as usual people around me ask me to help them with this and that and so i can't work on my own project. sigh i really must learn how to say N + O = NO!

In the afternoon i was setting up a pc for this lady and it got boring, so i make small talk. She is a software programmer and has been working for around 8 years. I remarked how she looks much younger than her age and she became friendlier ^^

We talked about how depressed the IT industry is, with a small market and oversupply of IT grads and cheap influx of foreign talents. I have no interest in programming and am so sick of doing IT support, and asked her what skills should i go for to upgrade myself. She gave me some advice.

Certification courses like mcse and j2me have to be renewed on every version upgrade and don't compare to the tangible value of a degree. Go for biz and IT dual degrees, like marketing or accountancy with IT as they offer more value and opportunities. In the IT industry, besides support and programming, there is consultancy, project management and of course sales.

What a drag.

Back then I chose to study IT because i like games and well IT was the IN thing and it sounds more exciting than engineering and biz. How my working life differs from the vision i had in school. Would i have made the same choice if i had a mentor like her to advise me...At times when i am doing yet another meaningless brainless task i wonder what the hell am i doing here... i don't belong here...looking at my career possibilities after ...i still have no answer.

Met up with frens for a vegetarian dinner. It was a nice experience, the food tastes great, and i will come back next time to try other items. Food aside, the atmosphere seems a little quiet compared to the previous outings. I don't know is it because all of us are feeling down, but i hope it's not due to my presence! To add to the solemn mood, we discussed on the senstitive topic of religion and boy was I impressed when K gave a 5 min talk on the role of religion in her life. I also learnt that J is involved in youth work in her prayer cell, and that both of them intends to volunteer as counsellors. I am humbled by their dedication. For me I have no such noble ambitions, i will be happy if they can chillout and relax for a while with the stuff i passed them.

Back home watching national geographic, i notice how similar human and animals are, technological advances aside. You learn and you work and you die. I wonder if religion helps people find a sense of purpose in all this.

They told me to try cucumber slices for treatment, but arrrrgh i can't help but think of salad!

Thursday, March 31, 2005

Terry Schiavo - R.I.P

13 days after the feeding tube was removed, she died. †††

creative writing

Hope the poor teacher did not vomit blood! These essays are so bad its hilarious haha

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Tuesday, March 29, 2005

don't worry be happy

If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands (clap clap)
If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands (clap clap)
If you're happy and you know it, then your face will surely show it
If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. (clap clap)

A fren send me the lyrics out of the blue as i was moaning about how shitty my job is. It looks a bit kiddy at first, but as i listen it sounds suprisingly catchy and lifting keke. Going to set it as my ringtone so i will stay happy throughout the day =p

If you're happy and...

Monday, March 28, 2005

Terri Schiavo

Having insomnia, so here is my take after reading the reports.

She has been in a vegetative state since 1990 after suffering brain damage, and is being kept alive by a feeding tube. Recently a court agreed with the hubby that she will not want to live such a life, and so ordered the feeding tube be removed.

This could have been a quiet affair, but it got blown up in the media as conservative christians gave support to the parents who fought the ruling.
Her parents made several unsuccessful appeals for the tube to be re-inserted and now Terri has been without nourishment for more than 8 days. Her parents are watching her waste away day by day.

I find the gloating by the media disturbing as they blast the conservatives for politicking and hail the judge for taking a brave stand. This is not a case of taking a terminally ill patient off a respirator. Like us, she only needs food and water to survive. The judge gave the order to remove the feeding tube, she is starving to death and there are people applauding the decision. Now i agree with the hubby that she should be allowed a dignified death, just that i am uncomfortable with the way it is happening. What a mess this whole affair is, as she is
dying from starvation and dehydration, one side is claiming she looks peaceful and the other says she is wasting away.

I think in these cases if the expertise of Dr Kevorkian is called on there will be a better closure. I mean even your typical household pets in terminal condition are allowed a swift and merciful end by lethal dosage. May it be that the doctors who diagnosed Terri to be brain dead is correct , as she slowly fades away.

What do you feel about this case?

Sunday, March 27, 2005

run forrest run

Two species of octopus were filmed walking on 2 legs across the sea bed. Pretty amazing stuff! Next up at your favorite sushi outlet - baby octopus walking to your plate.

video 1
video 2
New Scientist

童话 flash

Very nice song and flash animation. Check it out

flash mtv

Saturday, March 26, 2005

life in the corporate jungle

A few months ago I went for a procedure at a clinic. There i got to know W who were undergoing the same procedure and over a few days we build up a rapport. She told me a candid tale of her life in the civil service.

Her workplace is very a competitive one. Everyone is involved in many projects as people tries to push ahead, and she is working long hours. Stress soon takes hold. At home, she feels tired, don't feel like talking to the hubby, marriage suffers, her hair is dropping, and her cycle is disrupted. At work, there is no peer support. When passed over for promotion, she went on long childcare leave. She did not regret putting her career on hold as during the break she realizes that family and health is really more valuable than a promotion. And now she is returning to the service energised and with a more relax spirit.

Her story has a familiar feel as i have seen similar victims at moe, but i did not press her on her occupation. The reason she is relating to the story to me is because i am not her co-worker, someone who is not likely to enter her field. Never get too friendly with co-workers because you never know when the secrets you reveal will be leaked and used against you, esp during ranking and promo selection. Work with them, but after work its' separate ways.

I kinda agree with her. In my short working life, i have seen too many people squabbling over seemingly stupid things just to defend their turf. Friendly and bubbly upfront, but knives out when the backs are turned. I see plenty of such people now, which is sad as at my previous workplace i was fortunate to work with some wonderful people that livens up my day.

Good luck to W, hope she is coping well.

outing 2

2nd complaining session featuring A & K & me. Sadly J couldn't join us. A surprise, we saw our recently promoted admin workhorse B. Exchanged pleasantries and she moved on to join her frens at the opposite restaurant.

This outing took place at a time as i was feeling down over work.

Sometimes i feel like i am in a dark tunnel, feeling my way and stumbling forward. With no glimmer of light in front. the sides are filled with demons wearing a kind mask, blocking my path, taking my money, asking me for help, tying me down when all i want is to be left alone to continue my search for a way out of this seemingly neverending tunnel.

Listening to Mozart's Requiem now. To see my enemies struck down one by one at Judgement, to the words of Dies Irae. nice picture~

Dies Iræ! dies illa
Solvet sæclum in favilla
Teste David cum Sibylla!

Ok enough and back to the outing. Happy news, A's presentation was a success, K and (wow!) Mrs k got promoted. She is a recipient of my rare award for being a outstanding human being and i think she thoroughly deserves the promotion. Me, got my licence =p.

We talked about our dreams and the demons that lies underneath the happy demeanor. And oh, we learn that K is trained in taekwondo(!)

In life, we don't always get what we want. But there are many bright spots, family, loved ones, and gd frens like them as we build towards our dream. I hope memories of the good stays with me when i am down, i tend to drown myself in self-pity and forget the good things.

And so our journey continues.



Friday, March 25, 2005

网上之狼!

人面兽心的家伙,敢在校园里撒野!


看我如何对付你这畜牲!

Thursday, March 24, 2005

jaywalking

One of the more interesting sight I seen recently is a middle aged paraplegic on a wheelchair, frantically wheeling across the red light at a busy road during lunch time CBD traffic.

No one else was hardy enough to follow him. After crossing the road, he turned around and urge his able-bodied friend to hurry across too. I am just glad the wheels did not get caught up on pebbles or something.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

An analogy

One day, Plato asked his teacher, "What is love? How can I find it?"

His teacher answered, "There is a vast wheat field in front. Walk forward without turning back, and pick only one stalk. If you find the most magnificent stalk, then you have found love." Plato walked forward and before long, he returned with empty hands, having picked nothing.

His teacher asked, "Why did you not pick any stalk?"

Plato answered, "Because I could only pick once, and yet I could not turn back. I did find the most magnificent stalk, but did not know if there were any better ones ahead, so I did not pick it. As I walked further, the stalks that I saw were not as good as the earlier one, so I did not pick any in the end.

His teacher then said, "And that is love."

On another day, Plato asked his teacher, "What is marriage? How can I Find it?"

His teacher answered, "There is a thriving forest in front. Walk forward without turning back, and chop down only one tree. If you find the tallest tree, then you have found marriage". Plato walked forward and before long, he returned with a tree.

The tree was not thriving, and it was not tall either. It was only an ordinary tree.

His teacher asked, "Why did you chop down such an ordinary tree?" Plato answered, Because of my previous experience. I had walked through the field, but returned with empty hands. This time, I saw this tree,and I felt that it was not bad, so I chopped it down and brought it back. I did not want to miss the opportunity."

His teacher then said, "And that is marriage. You see son, Love is the most beautiful thing to happen to a person, its an opportunity but you don't realise its worth when you have it but only when its gone, like the field of stalks. Marriage like the tree you chopped, it's a compromise."

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Microsoft LimitLogin 1.0

Microsoft is happy to announce the availability of LimitLogin v1.0, an application that adds the ability to limit concurrent interactive user logons in an Active Directory domain. It can also keep track of all logins information in Active Directory domains (without necessarily enforcing logons quotas).

http://bink.nu/files/limitlogonfaq.htm
http://www.neowin.net/comments.php?category=software&id=27474
http://download.microsoft.com/download/f/d/0/fd05def7-68a1-4f71-8546-25c359cc0842/limitlogin.exe

Saturday, March 19, 2005

Lucky friday!

The day of my driving test. 3rd time lucky?

It started off badly. I had a pre-test refresher circuit training, and i was so nervous i forgot the technique for reverse parking. I reversed into the darn kerb twice and finally succeeded after some corrections by the instructor. Sadly that was my last chance to practise as the hour's session was almost up. Moving off from the parallel parking slot, i failed to notice a testee whom just overtook the stationary car behind me and my instructor had to pull the handbrake. My instructor told me as the testee failed to stop in time, he got an immediate failure. I hope his tester is lenient!

I drove a few rounds around the ubi area before reporting to the testee's room, which was already half full. Then a guy with a bandaged left leg on clutches stepped in, and the image of a bandaged leg attempting half clutch formed in my mind lol. Turns out the guy is having his theory here, probably because this room is on the ground floor and he can't climb to the theory test room on the 2nd floor.

A tester stepped in and briefed us on the test. The same guy who FAILED me on my second attempt. I felt the car vibrate during the crank course and he said "hit the kerb huh". I thought thats it i mounted the kerb and only when i review the score sheet later i learn the car only striked the kerb. Anyway his remark ruined my test as i thought i got an immediate failure and went thru the test in a daze. Well good luck to his next victim.

The room emptied as names were called, leaving the hobbled guy and me in the room. Finally my name was called and it's off to the car. I made a show of fidgeting with the rear mirror and checking the side mirrors for the benefit of the tester, and off we go.

I slipped a little at the slope and release the clutch too fast when approaching directional change station. Mr tester did not have seat belt on and he jerk forward. I hope he's not too pissed! Anyway i completed the station without incident, turning the wheel when I see the marking on the kerb. I wonder who made the markings, school or private instructors lol.

Moving on to the S course i saw the testee in front with front wheel up on the kerb. I completed both the S and crank course, AND the reverse parking station without incident. Whew! Time for the last station, parallel parking. Mr tester stepped out of the car to the side and look. I wonder is it compulsory for testers to do that, or is he expecting me to hit the kerb?

The car couldn't reverse into the lot as there was a gradual slope from the road. I release the clutch more and moved in. Then the car stalled with a shudder. Did i hit the kerb? Or was it the clutch? Took a deep breath, shift to neutral, restarted the engine and continue reversing. I felt no impact and parked into position. Now i dare to hope, it must be just a stalled engine. No comments from Mr tester so i took it as a good sign.

With the circuit completed, onto the road test. Hmm no e-brake test, not that i mind though. Changing lanes, safe braking distance, turning at junction, so far so good. Before filtering into the main road from a side road, I looked right and see a car approaching slowly a distance away. I checked my blind spot and move out. Then Mr tester turned on me saying, that car on the hazard lights to warn you but still you move out slowly. It has to change lane to evade you!

Returning to the test centre and walking up the stairs, I wonder if that last mistake was an immediate failure? Darn why can't that guy just slow down a little instead of speeding up and turning on the hazard lights! We walked to the de-brief room and again I was reprimanded on my failure to spot the accelerating car. I told him honestly i did not notice when did the hazard lights came on. He took out the test booklet and make a few ticks. Turned the last page with the Failed and Passed tickbox, and he tick Passed. YES!!!!! I thanked him and went for the road safety video viewing.

We were shown some fairly spectacular crash sequences captured on the highway surveillance cams. Pretty somber video really, I thought some of the clips should be shown on Crime watch to increase public awareness on road safety hazards.

After the video, I went to the TP counter and paid $50 for a piece of paper that will serve as a driving license, until the real thing is delivered to me. Paid $150 to the instructor for the training and car rental. I felt a little numb the rest of the day, probably from the adrenaline rush and also disbelief that finally i passed. No more rushing for lessons after work. and i can get some toys for myself with the money that would normally go to fees :)

I got 16 points, 8 for that filtering incident and the rest some minor mistakes. Looking back i feel during tests luck plays a bigger role than driving skills. The weather, traffic conditions and the goodwill of fellow commuters. Compared to the previous 2, this tester gave in advance clear and concise instructions on the next move. He was very helpful in clearing traffic for me to advance in the circuit.

Well thats 3rd time lucky i guess!

Friday, March 18, 2005

msn

address...

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

professional sharing

A fren prepared a mini "lesson plan" for me, hehe.

be natural, be brave, no pain no gain!

=p

Monday, March 14, 2005

Dilbert on blackberry

http://dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/archive/images/dilbert2005915440210.gif
http://dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/archive/images/dilbert2005073235211.gif
http://dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/archive/images/dilbert2005026102912.gif

I don't get it. Blackberry and home VPN access to corporate mail. 12 hours at work and at home and they fire up the VPN client for mail. My inbox is filled with FYIs and FWD:..... and projects that I am not involved in but the sender deemed it necessary to put everone in the CC list. IF people can think before they click send - Is this improving the bottom line of the company? Do people benefit from this?


Do blackberry users for check for new mail every 5 mins ?

Saturday, February 26, 2005

outing

Went for dinner with A, J and K. I had hesitated for a while when they invited me, but i am glad i went.

This outing would never have happen if i am still working with them, cause back then our relationship is more like (very nice)mistresses and servant. I try to draw a line and maintain a respectful distance for the benefit of the eyes of the vultures in admin office.

we spent the whole evening complaining about everything and everyone. But i had a great time. Nothing like complaining and suffering to create a mutual bond keke. Glad to see them having fighting spirit and surviving despite the lousy work conditions. Jiayou!

Sunday, January 30, 2005

What is your theme song?

4 non blondes

25 years of my life and still
Tryin' to to get up that great big hill of
Hope, for a destination.

Sunday, January 9, 2005

freebies! *conditions apply

I have a pair of cinema vouchers, expiring soon. Created a shortlist of 3 movies, then asked B if she's interested in any of them. She was not interested but suggested dinner.

Called M, and she's interested in one of them. Offered her the tix.

Replied B I have a pair of free tix that i really must redeem today. let's have dinner some other day. She complained i should have told her about the free tixs.

I am not sure why should a free tix be a factor if she is not interested in the shows to begin with. or maybe thats just me. anyway telling her about it after i offered the tix to someone else is my mistake.